


368 Days: Grogan Doyle & Vareth Riddell

by MissIzzy



Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Fanmix, Inspired by Fanfiction, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-05
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-01-03 03:53:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1065456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissIzzy/pseuds/MissIzzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tribute to the relationship between two original characters from Emila Wan & Male Wane's "368 Days."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Volume 1: Take These Broken Wings

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [368 Days](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/31604) by Emila Wan & Mali Wane. 



> I compiled this fanmix when the rate of posting slowed down to one post a month, partly as encouragement for the authors, and at the time promised that if we were all alive when the fic was done, I'd post a mix covering the second half.

  
   
  
When Grogan Doyle and Vareth Riddell first met, it was in fact love at first sight, and adversity about a minute later when they got into their first bout of verbal sparring. After one false start, Grogan asked Vareth to lifebond with him, then revealed to him that he was a Zarath, or a special assasin. Vareth rejected him in horror. Shortly afterwards Vareth was kidnapped and tortured by the criminal Stegano, who wanted revenge against Grogan. In the aftermath, Vareth suffered from a psycho-sexual disorder that required him to engage in sexual activity, resulting in and him and Grogan sharing one last night together before Vareth demanded that Grogan never speak to him again. For the rest of the fic's first half, it was been long bouts of angst, unfortunate glimpses and frantic attempts to avoid each other, one wild sexual encounter in a trapped elevator, and a possible meeting in a Force-induced vision.  The first half of their story ended with Vareth engaged in a 40-day long isolated meditation.  
The tracklist, which is arranged in something of an emotional timeline, is as follows, with quotes from the fic itself, which is told through the journal entries of the four main characters:  
  
**Leanne Rimes-The Right Kind of Wrong**  
_I know all about, yeah about your reputation  
And now it's bound to be a heartbreak situation  
But I can't help it if I'm helpless every time that I'm where you are  
  
You walk in and my strength walks out the door  
Say my name and I can't fight it any more  
Oh I know, I should go but I need your touch just too damn much  
Loving you isn't really something I should do  
I shouldn't wanna spend my time with you  
Well, I should try to be strong  
But baby you're the right kind of wrong_  
  
Vareth, Day 62-Master Doyle is a loner. His Jedi service record is filled with "clandestine ops" and distinction in completing them. I did as Qui-Gon requested and researched Doyle further, traveling data paths outside of normal regulation limits.  
Doyle's only romantic relationship lasting longer than a few months was years ago (with Qui-Gon). His most recent "long-ish" involvement was with a member of the Alderaani Royal Court. That lasted five months and ended 12 years ago. Since then he's had fleeting, "intimate connections" here and there. Nothing more, which doesn't bode well for my interest in him.   
Grogan, Day 71-He blushed, but held my gaze. "Most of the clubs I know of don't lend themselves to that type of music," he said softly. "But I do happen to have some recordings we might use if you are interested in coming back to my quarters with me."  
"Tonight?" I asked, hardly daring to breathe.  
"If you are interested," he repeated, his blush deepening.  
At that very moment, I knew I could no longer deny my feelings. Despite my convictions to the contrary, I was falling deeply in love with this beautiful boy. Deciding once and for all to shut off the voice inside my head that screamed, "Danger," I leaned forward and took his gloved hand in my own. "I am very interested, Vareth."  
  
**Robbie Williams & Nicole Kidman-Something Stupid**  
_I can see it in your eyes you still despise the same old lines  
You heard the night before  
And though it's just a line to you for me it's true  
And never seemed so right before_  
  
_I practice every day to find some clever lines to say_  
_To make the meaning come true_  
_But then I think I'll wait until the evening gets late_  
_And I'm alone with you_  
_The time is right your perfume fills my head the stars get red_  
_And oh the night's so blue_  
_And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid_  
_Like I love you_  
  
Grogran, Day 71-Panting harshly, we held each other as the aftershocks of our climax rippled through us. My lips still at his ear, it seemed the most natural thing for me to whisper what was in my heart. "I love you, Vareth. My sweet azi. My heart," I crooned softly.  
He stiffened in my arms, and I pulled up a little, just enough to see his face. "What is it, my dear boy?" I asked.  
"I need to move," he answered apologetically.  
Vareth, Day 71-There was a split second when he called me "azi" (whatever that means) and said he loved me, that I was completely, totally happy. And then the little voice kicked in, telling me: "How do you know he means it? He's had more lovers in the past year than you've had in your whole life. He's just playing games, Vareth. You're going to get hurt. Just as you read way too much into Alben's feelings when he was mentoring your journeyship."  
The only other time I've taken the lead in initiating a relationship, I misread the other person completely. I never wanted to feel like that again. So why did I set myself up to be hurt once more? Because I've never felt anything for another living being like what I feel for Grogan. And because I believed he felt it too.  
What a fool I am.   
Even though I managed to dredge up enough courage to tell him we should sit down and talk about what was happening, Grogan couldn't seem to get dressed and leave fast enough. "You told me you weren't playing games!" I wanted to scream at him as he fled my apartment.  
  
**Jessica Andrews-Helplessly, Hopelessly**  
_I can stand with the weight of the world on my shoulders  
I can fight with the toughest of the tough  
I can laugh in the face of all my insecurities  
Anytime, anywhere, anything, I'm strong enough  
  
But when you're holding me like this  
I'm carelessly lost in your touch  
I'm completely defenseless  
Baby, it's almost too much  
I'm helplessly, hopelessly, recklessly  
Falling in love_  
  
Grogan, Day 79-So there it is. What I'm feeling now is so different and beyond anything I've ever felt with anyone else. I can only describe it as though a part of myself I never knew was missing had suddenly clicked into place only to be roughly torn out again.  
Pathetic for a man of my age to be flattened by falling in love. In a way it would be easier if I didn't *like* V so much. He never bores me, frequently exasperates me, never tires my soul. Q kept telling me, as I flung things into my travel pack, that I was misreading V, reminded me that V wanted to talk but I'd run away.  
If I survive this mission, I will have that talk with him, if he's still interested. And if he, by some miracle, feels even a spark of fondness for me, I am going to bind him to me in every way possible. I'll endure legal marriage rites on every planet in the Republic if that's what it takes.  
Vareth, Day 84-At least Obi-Wan will get to see Qui-Gon, however briefly. I envy them that. I wish I had something to do right now, to help take my mind off how much I miss Grogan. I've spent far too many lonely hours re-playing our one wonderful night together, hearing him call me *azi*, telling me he loved me, and wishing with all of my heart I hadn't been such a fool. I can only hope I am given a second chance with him. If it's not too late, that is.  
  
**Melissa Etheridge-Breathe**  
_I played the fool today  
I just dream of vanishing into the crowd   
Longing for home again   
Home, is a feeling I buried in you   
  
I'm alright, I'm alright   
It only hurts when I breathe   
  
And I can't ask for things to be still again   
No I can't ask if I could walk through the world in your eyes   
Longing for home again   
Home, is a feeling I buried in you_  
  
Grogan, Day 92-Afterwards, we held each other for a long time, and I was happier than I've ever dreamed I could be.  
Why I ever thought something so wonderful could last is beyond me. In the space of a few hours, I was given my heart's greatest desire and then had it stripped from me, leaving me barren and ugly, once again knowing myself for the unlovable wretch I am.  
As we held each other, basking in the afterglow of our passion, Vareth chuckled softly and told me he thought he'd seen me on Lenarus Prime, right after the Dornada Matriarch and her two grandchildren had been killed. Ignoring the part of me that has been trained to deny any involvement whatsoever with the Zarath, I sealed my fate and admitted he had not been mistaken.  
Vareth, Day 100-"I've spent my whole life keeping it a secret," he tried to explain while I was yelling at him to get out of my apartment. "It never occurred to me to tell you until afterwards, and only then because I didn't want any secrets between us."  
And in the deepest recesses of my mind, I can understand that.  
It still doesn't change the fact that I slept with a cold-blooded murderer.  
What a fool I was. I had this stupid idea of remaining a virgin until I met the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and then I ended up sleeping with a man like Grogan. I thought I knew him. How could I have given all of myself to a man who is capable of the things I've heard the Zarath are capable of? How could I not have known?  
Unless ... is it possible he could be a Zarath and still be the Grogan I fell in love with? After all, he was doing his duties as the Jedi requested of him. But he could have said no. He could have told them he didn't want to do that.   
  
**Mister Mister-Broken Wings**  
_Baby, it's all I know  
That your half of the flesh   
And blood that makes me whole  
I need you so.  
  
So take these broken wings  
And learn to fly again, learn to live so free  
And when we hear the voices sing  
The book of love will open up for us and let us in_  
  
Vareth, Day 117-He touched me when I was dying. Touched me, and called my name, and I turned my back on the Light to discover his fainter light, leading me home.  
He is in the Light. Despite all he has done. Despite all I and the Order and the galaxy have done to him. My foolish weakness did not destroy him. For that, I am grateful beyond what any words could ever express.  
There, a feeling for you to analyze. Are you satisfied, or shall I try to feel something else?  
Grogan, Day 121-I found Vareth in the tech lab, hunched over a data screen. Before I could change my mind, I strode forward and spoke his name. He looked up at me, somewhat startled, and I felt a brief rush of emotions coming from him before he slammed down his shields. It happened so fast, I'm sure the lust I sensed from him was a figment of my own desire. His fear, however, was real.  
Without thinking, I reached out to touch him, to calm him, and he shrank from me as from a blow. What have I done to this beautiful boy to have him draw back in pain at the mere touch of my hand? Force help me, I wanted nothing more at the moment than to pull him into my arms and sooth him, show him I never meant to hurt him and never would again.  
I managed to contain the impulse. I'm sure he would not have thanked me for it, nor for the pity I felt at seeing him so gaunt and weak.  
  
**Scorpions-Still Loving You**  
_Fight, babe, I'll fight to win back your love again.  
I will be there, I will be there.  
Love, only love can break down the walls someday.  
I will be there, I will be there.  
  
If we'd go again all the way from the start,  
I would try to change the things that killed our love.  
Your pride has build a wall, so strong that I can't get through.  
Is there really no chance to start once again?  
I'm loving you. _  
  
Grogan, Day 120-I swayed and clutched at the wall, unable to move as I listened to his beautiful singing. He was playing a stringed instrument that was in perfect tune with his voice. I've never in my life been so moved by anything I've ever heard or seen. It was an ancient Kedellian Chant, and though I didn't understand the words, I could feel the soul-crushing loneliness in the tune and in his voice. I wept, silently, not even trying to wipe the wetness from my face. And once again I felt as if my heart was shattering into millions of tiny pieces. Oh, Force how I love him. How I ache to hold him just once more. And how very stupid I was to have ever thought I stood a chance with someone so perfect.  
The music stopped abruptly, and I fled before I could give in to the impulse to fling myself at his feet and beg for one more kiss.  
Vareth, Day 123-Sheli finished with my feet just as Grogan emerged, looking a bit dazed. He'd splashed water on his face. Wet tendrils of his hair straggled everywhere. I'd never seen him quite so disheveled, except after ... I clamped down on my thoughts, but too late. I remembered seeing him, sitting on the edge of my bed, fumbling as he tried desperately to take back misspoken words of love.  
I stared at him, and he stared back at me, his eyes drifting down my body to my bare feet and back to my face. Our eyes met, and he held my gaze for what seemed far too long, but I couldn't look away. My heart ached, my eyes burned, and I thought if I had to bear this tension between us for one more minute I would either scream or cry. Very carefully I let the datapad drift to the table. "I think you'd better go," I said quietly.  
  
**Goodbye to You-Michelle Branch**  
_It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time  
I want whats yours and I want whats mine  
I want you but I'm not giving in this time  
  
Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to_  
  
Vareth, Day 124-I spent the rest of the night programming the droid, and after a bit of testing, I believe Grogan will be able to carry on without my help.  
And so, I've come to a conclusion. I cannot bear to see him any more. He stirs in me all the forbidden passion that I am trying so hard to eliminate from my life, and when he is near me, I forget who I am. Who I want to be.  
When he comes tonight I will tell him. I only hope he has the grace not to argue.  
Grogan, Day 124-I had hoped ... no, no matter. What I hoped is immaterial at this juncture. Vareth rejected me, in no uncertain terms, and I must accept it.  
I've never been good at taking no for an answer. I am accustomed to getting what I want. I can usually manipulate people into doing my bidding and make them like it, with or without the Force-whammy. The skill of mine has come in useful a time or two in my career, and if people are so weak-minded as to fall for my little tricks, I feel nothing but amused contempt for them.  
But with Vareth it's different. I respect him. Far more than myself. He is goodness personified, and I will not dishonor him with my usual sordid games.  
At least he was honest with me. I can be grateful he respects me that much. He pulled no punches with me, gave me no way to wriggle out, no loophole to string me along and give me false hope, no prevarication with which to delude myself.  
  
**Colorblind-Counting Crows**  
_I am covered in skin  
No one gets to come in  
Pull me out from inside  
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding  
I am  
colorblind  
Coffee black and egg white  
Pull me out from inside  
I am ready  
I am ready  
I am ready  
I am fine_  
  
Grogan, Day 129-Though it had only been a half hour or so since his orgasm in the parking lot of The Crimson Trophy, by the time we got into the room, Vareth was once again vibrating with need. And I could feel humiliation rolling off him in thick waves.  
Unfortunately, I doubted he would let me do anything about the latter. But there was plenty I could do about the former.  
He stumbled into the room and began taking off his clothes. He was crying again, silently this time. And his nose was bleeding again.  
I had no idea exactly what he would need to get through this night, I only knew whatever it was, whatever the cost, I would freely give him my all.   
Vareth, Day 129-My symptoms have abated completely. I can't believe I put myself through such suffering when it could have been over and done with days ago. And Grogan was as good as his word. He's gone.  
Gone, and taken my heart with him. Good riddance, I suppose.  
  
**Theory of a Deadman-Hello Lonely**  
_All those days you waste on me  
I just can't let you go  
  
So why're you sad?  
Don't you know that  
It's you that haunts my dreams and seems to always come back?  
How do I live without you?  
How could you walk away from this, just walk away from this again?_  
  
Grogan, Day 130-So here I sit, in this old, careworn passenger crate, heading for Alderaan. I'm dead inside, Sal. Truly dead without hope of feeling ever again. Oh, I'll go on breathing, I suppose. But only because I am a Jedi, and this is what I'm supposed to do. I'll catch hell when I show up at the temple on Alderaan, but the Council will soon forget about me and move on to other, more important things.  
And I've learned my lesson. One I thought I'd learned long ago, but apparently the Force thought I needed another reminder: a Jedi is not meant to love.  
At least, not this Jedi.  
Vareth, Day 130-I'm not ready yet to face what happened, to know if what I did was right. Was it better to give him what he asked than to deny him? Or was it kinder to give him a chance to make love to me one last time? Either way seemed cruel. And even as I was letting myself enjoy our lovemaking, part of me cried out at the unfairness of it all.  
It's too much, too many emotions, too many thoughts and doubts. I can't think about any of it right now.  
  
**Annie Lennox-Cold**  
_Come to me, run to me, do and be done with me  
Cold cold cold  
Don't I exist for you, don't I still live for you  
Cold cold cold  
Everything I possess given with tenderness  
Wrapped in a ribbon of glass  
Time it may take us but God only knows how  
I've paid for those things in the past.  
  
Dying is easy it's living that scares me to death  
I could be so content hearing the sound of your breath.  
Cold is the color of crystal the snowlight  
That falls from the heavenly skies.  
Catch me and and let me dive under  
For I want to swim in the pools of your eyes._  
  
Grogan, Day 130-Nothing really matters, though. Not anymore. Not ever again. Life without Vareth is barely worth the energy it will take to go on from day to day. But I will go on. Death is not really an option, no matter how I long for it. You should be pleased to read that, at least, Sal.  
I said I would write about my final hours with Vareth, and I will. Not to be done with it, for I know I will never be free of my love for him. I will write about it because for a short time I was allowed to have the one thing I most desired in all the galaxy -- Vareth in my arms, loving me as I love him, the way it should be. I want to record every detail while it is fresh on my mind.  
I write to remember, though I know I'll never forget.  
Vareth, Day 135-He left a calling card: a note addressed to me. The Investigation Team have taken it as evidence, but I remember every word:  
_Knight Ridell,  
I must thank you for providing such lively entertainment these last few weeks. I could not have caused Grogan Doyle such suffering if I'd planned for millennia. And your innocent guile in not wanting to hurt him ... touching. Especially as he's been fucking everything in his path since you turned him away. Or do you not realize what sort of creature he is? Grogan Doyle is a cold-hearted killer whose special talent is lying, deceit, and seduction. You are just another in a very long line of broken hearts he has left behind, discarded once their usefulness was over. Like you, many of them still believe he loves them. Do you know how many beings he's bedded since he met you? I do. I can show you holos if you like. As of yesterday, the total is now up to 23.  
You and I have far more in common than you might believe, Knight Ridell. We have both been betrayed in the most heartless of ways. I don't expect you to thank me for opening your eyes, but I thought you ought to know the truth.  
S_  
Qui-Gon skimmed the note first, and then told me I should not read it. I insisted. I wish I hadn't. Afterwards I had to run to the 'fresher and be sick. It took me quite a while to stop shaking, and Qui-Gon asked if I wouldn't rather leave the investigation to others.  
  
**The Nields-Snowman**  
_And everything is fine  
Nothing changes but the time  
Life is easy when tomorrow's gone,  
I dream of snow, snow's where I belong  
  
It's allright, it's okay,  
If I freeze I can't decay  
You touch and I freeze  
There is ice where my heart should be  
I'm a snowman  
Cold is all I understand  
I'm a snowman  
If you can't hurt me noone can_  
  
Vareth, Day 136-Though why it matters to me I don't know. I am a Jedi. I do not need to gratify the whims of my flesh, and I will not succumb to my inappropriate desire for attachment. Especially to a man who is incapable of any sort of commitment or even -- apparently -- of telling the truth, to himself or to me.  
I should be grateful that I finally understand the reality of what has happened, and my own foolishness in falling for Grogan's lies. It makes it much easier to get on with my life.  
Master was wrong. Cutting myself off from passion isn't like cutting off an arm -- it's cutting out a cancer. I feel better already.  
Grogan, Day 144-He stared up at me, and then his face changed as he realized exactly what I was saying. "Oh, Force, Grogan, I'm sorry --"  
"Take your pity and shove it up your ass, Kenobi. I don' t need you to feel sorry for me." I wrenched free of his grasp and walked away, thankful he didn't try to follow, didn't try to comfort me. I don't think I would have been able to hold myself together if he'd shown me the least bit of kindness.  
Once in the safety of my rooms, I did my best to calm myself, to find my center. I struggled to clear my mind of all the emotions swirling within me, wondering if I would ever be able to think of Vareth without feeling as if my heart is being ripped from my chest.  
  
**Dido-White Flag**  
_I know I left too much mess and  
destruction to come back again  
And I caused nothing but trouble  
I understand if you can't talk to me again  
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"  
then I'm sure that that makes sense  
  
I will go down with this ship  
And I won't put my hands up and surrender  
There will be no white flag above my door  
I'm in love and always will be _  
  
Grogan, Day 144-"I knew you could be a cold-hearted bastard when the occasion calls for it, but you are one amazing piece of work. Vareth loved you. I don't know what went on between you on Dantooine, but I know he *really* loved you. How can you just turn your back on him and walk away?"  
I lost the battle to hold my temper. "It's what he wants!" I hissed, clenching my teeth and feeling the tightness in my belly crawl up to my throat. "Don't you get it? I'm doing exactly what Vareth requested of me. What he made me promise to do! Do you think I want it this way? Do you think I want to pretend not to see him, not to know him? I loved him, Kenobi. I love him still. *He* wants it this way, not me." I glared down at him. I could barely breathe around the emotions choking me. "May I have my arm back now?"  
Vareth, Day 149-It was still early when I left the Senate building. My team and I made our way to one of the public transport bays and was soon boarding an airbus. I found a seat and glanced out the window, and my breath caught in my throat. Across the way, waiting in line for an airbus at another public transport, were two Jedi. Even though they were little more than man-shaped brown specs to my eye, I was sure they were Obi-Wan Kenobi and Grogan Doyle, and the latter was looking my way. I'm fairly certain he couldn't see me through the tinted glass of the airbus, but my heart was racing just the same. I imagined I could feel him looking at me, like a ripple in the Force, and I made myself turn away.  
Why does it still hurt this much?  
  
**Richard Marx-Hold On to the Nights**  
_Hold on to the nights  
Hold on to the memories  
I wish that I could give you something more  
That I could be yours  
  
How do we explain something that took us by surprise  
Promises in vain, love that is real but in disguise  
What happens now  
Do we break another rule  
Let our lovers play the fool  
I don't know how  
To stop feeling this way_  
  
Vareth, Day 158-I certainly don't think our little act is helping either of us to heal from our breakup. Quite the contrary. Today, when Grogan was forced to end his conversation with Qui-Gon because of my presence, I felt as if a massive stone had been dropped on my chest.  
I don't want to punish Grogan, or make him give up his friendships, or even cause him the least bit of pain. Yet it seems I am doing all of those things.  
He deserves better. But the thought of facing him -- actually talking to him, even looking him in the eyes -- terrifies me. It's like standing on the edge of a cliff and feeling the urge to jump. I want him. I want everything he has to offer me, and yet if I take it, it will destroy me.  
Grogan, Day 160-"On a mission?" I asked sharply. So much for pretending I didn't care.  
"They're checking out some of the places mentioned in the recovered archive data, just to see if anything feels out of place or merits a closer look. I'm telling you this because I think you should use the time to figure out what to do to fix your relationship with Vareth. Or to make sure it's finished, once and for all. Because it's making you both miserable, and by extension, it's making everyone around you miserable."  
I'd been right. I didn't at all like what he was telling me. I rose and, not trusting myself to speak, just nodded and walked away.  
Throughout the rest of the day, I thought a lot about Obi-Wan's words. Of course he's correct. Damn him. My attempt at abiding by Vareth's "truce" simply isn't working.  
But I still don't see what can be done about it.  
  
**Roxette-Listen to Your Heart**  
_And there are voices that want to be heard.  
So much to mention but you cant find the words.  
The scent of magic, the beauty that's been  
When love was wilder than the wind.  
  
Listen to your heart when he's calling for you  
Listen to your heart, there's nothing else you can do  
I don't know where you're going, and I don't know why  
But listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye_  
  
Grogan, Day 160-I spent the next two hours talking about Vareth. I was surprised at how easily the words came, and realized this was something I'd needed for a good long while.  
"Perhaps you should approach him," Sal suggested, after I'd fallen silent.  
"I can't, Sal. I made a promise."  
"Have you never gone back on a promise, Grogan? I find that hard to believe."  
"Would that it were that easy," I sighed.  
Vareth, Day 161-[Qui-Gon] smiled. "I can only tell you what I see. I see a brilliant, young Jedi Knight who has closed off a vital part of himself, the part from which much of his power and potential flows. You fear intimacy, yet without intimacy there can be no Mastership. What I just did with you -- I could not have done it if I feared to be intimately connected with you on the deepest spiritual level."  
"You're talking about Grogan," I said flatly.  
"Not specifically, no. Nor about Anakin, though you fear intimacy with him as well. What I am trying to say is that to be a Master, you must be willing to lose your *self* entirely if need be; you can hold nothing back. Whatever the Force wills for you, you must embrace without hesitation. In fact, you must crave it. When you find yourself longing to die so that even one other person might live, you will understand what I mean."  
  
**The Police-King of Pain**  
_There's a little black spot on the sun today  
(That's my soul up there)  
It's the same old thing as yesterday  
(That's my soul up there)  
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top  
(That's my soul up there)  
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop  
(That's my soul up there)  
  
I have stood here before inside the pouring rain  
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain  
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign  
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain_  
  
Vareth, Day 170-Not that any of these things can excuse what I did. I would call it rape, except for Grogan's obviously eager participation. But afterwards ... there was no joy in it. We didn't even speak. We couldn't even look at each other. I wanted so desperately to reach out to him, to say something, but all I could do was tuck his pocket into his robes and flee.  
I was half hoping he would come after me and end this self-imposed exile. But he didn't. I suppose that tells me all I need to know.  
Grogan, Day 171-Right. And if I can't be honest in this journal, I shouldn't even waste time writing in it. Who else is ever going to see it? And do I think I'll reread it in ten years and believe any lies I've written?  
I'm running away. From Vareth. Again.  
Last night was ... unbelievable? unforgivable? unforgettable?  
Why couldn't I have been so drunk as to not be able to remember? Ah, I know why. I'm not allowed even the smallest bit of peace when it comes to Vareth.   
  
**U2-Walk On**  
_And if the darkness is to keep us apart  
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off  
And if your glass heart should crack  
And for a second you turn back  
Oh no, be strong  
  
Walk on, walk on  
What you got, they can't steal it  
No they can't even feel it  
Walk on, walk on  
Stay safe tonight_  
  
Vareth, Day 173-It does no good to tell myself not to care. I do care. Too much, in fact.  
We can never be to each other what both of us once wanted, but I'd at least hoped for a chance to apologize and mend the hurt I've caused. Now I've left it too late. Not only can I not do it in person, apparently I can't do it at all.  
I suppose it would be naïve to hope he is safely tucked away somewhere far from danger.  
Take care of yourself, Grogan Doyle.  
Grogan, Day 180-"No, I ran away because I was frightened. I didn't like being made to feel. I wanted to be in control. But love is like the Force, you have to let go, let it have its way. Maybe that's why the Masters tell us to be wary of it. Do you know why I love you, Grogan?"  
"No. I can't imagine why you would want to."  
"Because underneath all the masks is a good man, a soul of purest light."  
I couldn't bear to look at him. "You're wrong. I've blackened my soul beyond redemption."  
"If you had," he said softly, "you wouldn't be weeping. Don't cry, my *azi*."  
I gasped and looked up. He was fading. The light was fading, and I reached out to clutch at him, to keep him with me. Too late. He was gone, and I realized my chrono was beeping at me.  
  
**Ani DiFranco-Every Angle**  
_And I’m imaging the way you say my name  
I don’t know when I’m ganna hear it again  
Yu know my friends can't tell   
My laughter from my cries  
Someone tell this photograph of you   
To let go of my eyes  
I'm imagining your frame  
Every angle and every plane  
And I’m imaging your smell  
And the way you say my name_  
  
Vareth, Day 176-"I see you brought your yute," she said after a long pause, during which my mind had drifted back to the last time I was here with her, and the sight of a man with red hair and sinfully long legs striding away from me.  
Grogan, Day 185-I had decided to cheat. Well, not in the beginning. I spent the first half-hour running as far into the forest as I could, using the river to cover my tracks most of the way. Then I saw a familiar clearing, and realized I was close to the hot spring where I'd had my earlier vision of Vareth.  
Not one to resist such a temptation, I leapt across the clearing as far as I could onto a bed of leaves and made my way to the pool, stripping my vest and shirt off as I went. By the time I got there, all I had to do was kick off my boots, drop my trousers, and I was sinking with a groan into the hottest, most decadent mineral bath I'd ever enjoyed. Let Zex and Jambo worry about chasing recruits. I would simply hide myself away and think loving thoughts about Vareth for a little while.  
I closed my eyes and drifted into meditation, not actively seeking, but hoping I might somehow connect with him again. I found the light, but no sign of Vareth. Feeling too serene to be disappointed, I basked there a while, simply enjoying the light on my soul, like sunshine on my skin. It was almost too hot, but I gloried in the burn. When I could stand it no longer, I decided to focus on all the reasons I love my beautiful *Azi*. His unshakable integrity. His keen wit. His untarnished soul. His deft hands. His sensual mouth. His eminently fuckable body.

[Listen to on Spotify](http://open.spotify.com/user/msisobel/playlist/4Eox9CTbCXAB30ZhF73d6y) 

(Uploads done on request)


	2. Volume 2: Now Your Mess is Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fic is complete, and now so is the fanmix

   

The second half of the “368 Days” for Grogan Doyle and Vareth Riddell started when Vareth woke from his 40-day meditation and swiftly concluded that he needed to take Anakin as his padawan, and repair his relationship with Grogan.  When he came to him, Grogan happily took him back, and after a few days of taking it slow and Grogan allowing Vareth to read through his journal, they found themselves reunited completely, sexually as well as emotionally.  But when their duties forced them to separate, and Grogan was forced to let children die for the second time in his life, he decided he was unworthy of Vareth and fled from his life, doing the last of his many Grogan Doyle Runners, which ended when Vareth tracked him down and made him promise to never run again.  In the aftermath he also forced Grogan to see him as an equal, rather than as the idealized figure he had seen him as until then.  After that, their relationship remained more or less stable even through the trials of Palpatine nearly destroying the Jedi Order and Grogan being forced to kill his old Master, as well as the difficulties of training Anakin together, until Grogran proposed and Vareth accepted.  Just before the battle against Palpatine ended, Vareth was forced to do what everyone thought would be a heroic sacrifice of his life, but by the blessing of the Force he survived it, and they were bonded alongside Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon.

**Nickelback-Far Away**   
_I wanted, I wanted you to stay_   
_'Cause I needed, I need to hear you say_   
_That I love you, I've loved you all along_   
_And I forgive you, for being away for far too long_   
_So keep breathing, 'cause I'm not leaving you anymore_   
_Believe it, hold on to me never let me go_

 

Grogan, Day 213-Afterwards, as I lay beside her in a stupor, I realized two things. One, I am far too old to be snorting spice in sleazy cantinas. Two, even the most spectacular sex leaves me empty and wanting something I can't have.   
I eased myself out of bed and ended up down the hall, standing and staring at Candille as he slept. My thoughts kept straying to another beautiful young Plogorian. I wonder if in his magical slumber Vareth ever dreams of me.   
Perhaps one day I'll ask him. Yet one more item on my list of things to do before I die. 

 

Vareth, Day 223-I couldn't think where to start, how to make things right. I dropped to my knees, ready to beg him, to do anything if only he would listen and not run away again.   
"Can you forgive me?" I said.   
"No!"   
I sighed in defeat, and suddenly he was on his knees beside me taking my hands. "I meant, you've nothing to apologize for, my *azi*." 

 

 

**Bruce Springsteen-My Lover Man**   
_I can see the change in your eyes_   
_There's no need to apologize_   
_We stood at the wishing well_   
_Our dreams like coins into the water fell_   
_The water so cold and black_   
_There was no going back_

_I don't mean to cause you hurt or cause you pain_   
_Life is short and love's a dirty game_   
_Now there's no need for our game to end_   
_Come close and we'll begin_   
_To find our beautiful selves again_   
_My lover man_

Vareth, Day 223-I knelt and took him in my arms, soothed him, all the while wanting him so fiercely it took my breath away. At last he settled, and we tried again. This time, I firmly shut away the still-raw connection to the Unifying Force lest it burn him. As our minds joined, even thus incompletely, the dormant lover's bond flared to life. For the first time, I was truly aware of it, though it languished in the shadow of Anakin's enormous presence. I think I felt Grogan's jealousy when he sensed the training bond.   
Though we both wanted more, I allowed him only a brief kiss before tearing myself away.   
Grogan needn't worry. Anakin will grow up and leave me to find his own path in the galaxy, but if I have my way, the lover's bond will break only in death. 

 

Grogan, Day 223-And so we began the delicate process of joining our minds for shared meditation. All Jedi maintain basic shields, even when joined. This was just a trickier version of that. As we touched, careful not to invade too deeply, I could finally see our lover's bond, tenuous and weak, and a stronger thread that was Vareth's bond with Anakin. I swallowed a lump of jealousy at that. Vareth seemed to feel my struggle and sent a wash of acceptance to me. I fought to calm my breathing and sink into proper meditation despite a raging erection brought on by the feel of my *azi* warm in my arms at last and the memory of his stunning connection to the Force in its purest, most awesome form.   
He allowed me the briefest of kisses before we parted.   
I don't deserve this. I don't deserve him. But I won't let him go. Not as long as he'll have me. 

 

**Coldplay-Clocks**   
_Confusion never stops_   
_Closing walls and ticking clocks_   
_Gonna come back and take you home_   
_I could not stop that you now know, singing_

_Come out upon my seas_   
_Cursed missed opportunities_   
_Am I a part of the cure?_   
_Or am I part of the disease?_

Grogan, Day 227-"I told Master Dakka I didn't want it to be you, because I didn't want you tied to me. I didn't want you to feel obligated."   
I felt my brows rise, and I blinked rapidly. "As you pointed out recently, I am *not* obligated -- except, of course, insofar as I want to be. Which is to say, wholeheartedly and completely and without reservation. Silly boy, don't you know by now I'm *yours*?"   
He closed his eyes tight, frowning. "I just ... I need time."   
"Of course. I'll stop pushing."   
He opened his eyes and met my gaze, smiling gently. "Grogan ..."   
I held up a hand. "Say no more. I will possess myself in patience until the happy day you can stomach me as more than a pesky annoyance buzzing about your ears."   
"Grogan!" He laughed, and the room seemed brighter. 

 

Vareth, Day 227-I regret to say my weakness isn't just physical. Grogan kissed my hand, and I had to suppress a shudder. Not of revulsion, but of desire. As usual, he misinterpreted my gesture and took it to heart, apologizing and berating himself. I tried to explain, but he doesn't seem to blame me at all for anything that's happened.   
I don't know why he wants me. I seem to cause him nothing but pain. Nevertheless, I am starting to believe him when he makes his grand declarations of undying love. 

 

**Mandy Moore-Only Hope**   
_I give you my destiny_   
_I'm giving you all of me_   
_I want your symphony_   
_Singing in all that I am_   
_At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back_

_So I lay my head back down_   
_And I lift my hands and pray_   
_To be only yours_   
_I pray to be only yours_   
_I pray to be only yours_   
_I know now you're my only hope_

Grogan, Day 228-When I opened my eyes, I was amazed to realize nearly two hours had passed. I would never have guessed I’d be able to meditate that long -- especially not tonight. But I did. And now I am focused and calm, and I know the path my Vareth and I will take this night.   
That path will not lead to my bed. Not tonight, anyway.   
I don’t know what has come over me, but suddenly having Vareth naked and my bed is not the most important thing to me.   
I had to stop and re-read that last sentence, because for a moment, I couldn’t believe what it was I’d just typed.   
But it’s true. My meditation cleared my aura of sexual tension, uncluttered my mind, and revealed to me our true path.   
I want Vareth -- that hasn't abated. I want him now and forever, and without any reservation. But, even more so, I want him to want me in the same way. And to that end, I think there is yet one more thing we need to do before we fully consummate our relationship. 

 

Vareth, Day 229-I'm almost certain Grogan expects me to reject him, now that I know the truth about the things he does and the way he thinks. I must admit, had I known even a tenth of this when I'd met him, I'd never have agreed to greet him on the landing platform, much less start a relationship.   
Happily, I am not that man anymore. The San-como gave me more than a preternatural view of time's possibilities, it gave me a glimpse into Grogan's soul. As he realized at the Leavetaking for his recruits, so also I realized during my long meditation: for all that he walks the edge of the Light, there is no darkness in him.   
I could not do what he does. Not and stay sane. I don't pretend to know how he manages it. But this I do know: his work is Force-led, and vitally important to the balance of the All. Much like a gardener prunes away dead wood, or as a surgeon excises a cancerous tumor, so do the Zarath eliminate those who would threaten the very existence of the Force itself.   
We are bonded. I will not deny it again. 

 

**Matt Nathanson-Come On, Get Higher**   
_So come on, get higher, loosen my lips_   
_Faith and desire and the swing of your hips_   
_Just pull me down hard_   
_And drown me in love_

_I miss the pull of your heart_   
_I taste the sparks on your tongue_   
_I see angels and devils_   
_And God, when you come on_   
_Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on_

Grogran, Day 229-He turned away and got up on the bed. Then he held out his arms to me, and I don't think my feet touched the floor as I flew to him. I tried to take things slowly, wanting every moment of this, our true first time, to last forever, but our bodies both disagreed with my plan. Vareth was passion and fire, and everything he did to me burned me with a brightness beyond anything I'd ever imagined.   
He was beneath me and around me, and his cock was hot and hard between us, and his lips were soft and sweet and he made sounds that were driving me mad with want.   
"Slow down," I panted, trying to pry myself from the sweaty tangle of arms and legs. "We've got the rest of our lives together."   
"That's right, old man," Vareth whispered hoarsely. "We've got the rest of our lives. But right now I need to fuck you hard and I need to fuck you fast, and if you don't help me do that ..." 

 

Vareth, Day 230-If I had any doubts at all, last night put them to rest. Making love with Grogan was not only pure joy, it was *right* in a way few things are in this life.   
I surprised him by giving him exactly what he likes in bed -- a partner who takes charge and bottoms from the top. Or tops from the top, as I did this morning, to his great delight. Perhaps all lovers should read each other's journals before coupling. 

 

**Kelly Clarkson-Beautiful Disaster**   
_And do I try to change him?_   
_So hard not to blame him_   
_Hold on tight_   
_Hold on tight_

_Oh 'cause I don't know_   
_I don't know what he's after_   
_But he’s so beautiful_   
_Such a beautiful disaster_   
_And if I could hold on_   
_Through the tears and the laughter_   
_Would it be beautiful?_   
_Or just a beautiful disaster?_

 

Grogan, Day 235- How could I have been naive enough to believe I would be allowed to love and be loved by someone as pure and good as Vareth? Why am I forced to live knowing who I am ... what I am ... what I've done? What terrible whim of Fate decreed that whatever brief, occasional happiness I may find must always be snatched from me?   
And how could I have been asked, once again, to make the choice I had to make?   
Vareth, my love, my heart, my life, my precious *azi* ... I'm so sorry you've found yourself bonded to a man who is capable of doing the things I've done. Perhaps a way can be found to sever the ties that bind you to me, so that one day you can find someone worthy of your love to spend your life with. 

 

Vareth, Day 236- They didn't seem terribly concerned, but I can't shake the feeling that I must do something. No matter how I try, the urge to find Grogan will not leave me. Is it a function of the bond? Does my subconscious sense his turmoil? Or is this a normal reaction to opening a journal entry and discovering that your new lover has just ripped his soul in half and is convinced he is no longer worthy of love? 

 

**Imagine Dragons-Demons**   
_They say it's what you make_   
_I say it's up to fate_   
_It's woven in my soul_   
_I need to let you go_

_Your eyes, they shine so bright_   
_I wanna save that light_   
_I can't escape this now_   
_Unless you show me how_

Grogran, Day 237-"How could you still want me?" I asked softly, still unable to look at him. "After what I did ..."   
"Blast, Grogan, what's it going to take to get through to your mucked-up mind that I love you? Look at me, you old fool! Look *into* me and see my heart. Has no one ever shown you what real, unconditional love is?"   
I looked at him then, looked hard, like he asked. Looked deep into his eyes. His gaze never wavered. I felt something inside me break. Then I was in his arms, and I held on to him as if I were drowning and he offered salvation.   
In a way, I suppose he did. 

 

Vareth, Day 238- I surprised myself yesterday with my own anger. I had thought I was completely in control, mindful of my emotions and master of them. Then I saw him -- slouched in an alley behind Trix's, filthy, stinking of ale and smoke, clothing askew, looking like nothing so much as a vagrant spice addict -- and a surge of loathing hit me.   
I felt no pity as I hauled him out of that place and let him know just what I thought of his behavior.   
It's taken me most of yesterday and today to understand the source of my feelings. It will take even longer to get past them, I think. 

 

**Sheryl Crow-Strong Enough**   
_When I've shown you that I just don't care_   
_When I'm throwing punches in the air_   
_When I'm broken down and I can't stand_   
_Would you be man enough to be my man?_

 

Grogan, Day 237- "Never again, Grogan," he said, finally breaking the strained silence between us. "I must have your word on this. No more runners!"   
I looked at him, wishing there was something I could do to take this pain from him.   
And then I realized I could.   
I leaned forward and took his hands in mine. "I give you my word, Vareth," I said, softly. "The only running I will do is to you, not away from you." 

 

Vareth, Day 238-Part of me wanted to go with him, to give him what comfort I could. But in the end I held off -- for several reasons: One, my own emotions are still unsettled, and it would be harsh comfort indeed if he were to sense my lingering anger and disappointment. Two, I'm not sure our cuddling wouldn't spiral into a sexual encounter that neither of us is ready for. And three, he is so exhausted that I believe he is already asleep, if the snoring echoing down the corridor is any indication.   
I meant what I said yesterday. It hurts to know he thinks so little of me, that he would turn away without a word because he assumes I won't be able to handle what he's done, what he needs. I am his bondmate. I will do whatever I can to help him through this, if only he'll let me. All I ask is that he not abandon me -- abandon *us*. 

 

**[Bethany Joy Lenz-Halo](http://www.jimandellen.org/izzy/09Halo.m4a) **   
_Why do you put me on a pedestal?_   
_I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below_   
_So help me down you've got it wrong_   
_I don't belong there_

_One thing is clear_   
_I wear a halo_   
_I wear a halo when you look at me_   
_But standing from here_   
_You wouldn't say so_   
_You wouldn't say so if you were me_   
_And I, I just want to love you_

Vareth, Day 239-I rose, clutching the gloves in my hand, and a twinge of anger penetrated the calm I'd been trying to maintain. After all this time, it seemed Grogan still imagined me on some sort of pedestal, far above the seamy, gritty realities he dealt with in his daily life. Too pure on the one hand, and too weak on the other -- in need of protection. How could I hope to share a future with him, if I couldn't make him see me as his equal?   
I stretched out with the Force once more. The currents around us were tinged with red and black -- Grogan's guilt, and Jambo's sorrow -- along with brighter bands of love and desire.  There was no shatterpoint here that I could see. The choice was mine. I only hoped the path I walked would lead us both where we needed to be.   
I started to pull on the gloves. 

 

Grogran, Day 240-I never would have dreamed I could find absolution in the presence of Vareth, and yet it was he who led me to the one place I so desperately needed to go. What an epiphany that turned out to be.   
Through his love, and that of Zex and Jambo, I finally realized how my devotion to Vareth had done him a terrible disservice, relegating him to a pedestal so high that no mortal being could survive in its rarified air of heavenly perfection. And how unfair I'd been to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, assuming he would not be able or willing to help bear my burdens. 

 

**[Taylor Swift-I Know Places](http://www.jimandellen.org/izzy/10IKnowPlaces.m4a) **   
_Lights flash and we'll run for the fences_   
_Let them say what they want, we won't hear it_   
_Loose lips sink ships all the damn time, not this time_   
_Just grab my hand and don't ever drop it my love_   
_They are the hunters, we are the foxes, and we run_

_Baby, I know places we won't be found_   
_And they'll be chasing their tails tryin' to track us down_   
_Cause I, I know places we can hide_

 

Vareth, Day 248- Both of us are weary, so we're going to meditate and sleep. We've set the station's time to match the Temple on Coruscant. If Grogan is still there, we can perhaps dream together.   
However, I sincerely hope he has already escaped the planet. I'm trying not to dwell on what has happened to him, but it bothers me more than I can express to see him repudiated and made a fugitive. At least he will have a haven here, on Asylum Station, once he's done on Raxus Prime. I wish I could join him and watch his back.   
Be safe, my *azi*. Every cell of my body craves you. I need you here with me. May the Force be with you as I cannot, until next we meet. 

 

Grogan, Day 248- Vareth, my love, with everything that has happened, I am truly glad you and Anakin are far away from Coruscant. Palpatine has become far too curious about the boy, and the very idea of the Chancellor being around him makes my blood run cold. Do whatever is necessary to keep the both of you safe. Do it for me, because I am a selfish man who, having only just discovered how it feels to love and to be loved in return, is not willing to give it up anytime soon. But even moreso, do it for Anakin. I lack your gift of prescience, but I have no doubt the boy is destined to play a vital part in the fate of the galaxy.   
To that end, I've seriously considered your request for my help in training Anakin, and while I am exceedingly honored that you would ask for my assistance, I'm not sure it really would be good for the boy. I fear my past has made my mindset too gray for one so young and intuitive as he. Yet, to be honest I believe there is much I could teach him -- and much I could learn from him.   
Obviously, I need more time to come to a decision.   
I can't think straight because I miss you. 

 

**[Evanescence-Before the Dawn](http://www.jimandellen.org/izzy/11BeforetheDawn.m4a) **

  
_Meet me after dark again and I'll hold you_   
_I am nothing more then to savor of that_   
_And maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away_   
_We'll be lost before the dawn_

_If only night could hold you, where i can see you, my love_   
_Then let me never ever wake again_   
_And maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away_   
_We'll be lost before the dawn_

Grogran, Day 257-He stroked my face with his fingers, staring as if trying to memorize the sight. What he sees in this old man's freckles, crow's feet, and mountainous enormity of a nose I cannot even guess. Had I not known him well, his eyes -- twin wells of ancient, primal wisdom -- would have unsettled me. No one so young should have such eyes.   
And then he kissed me. I felt myself melt, soaking in whatever he gave me, barely responding except with a heartfelt groan and a sag into total submission. He could have done anything to me then, even slain me, and I would have relished it. I longed for him to hold me down and punish me, hurt me, cut me into tiny pieces and consume me. Instead, he gently rolled me onto my side and entered me. He'd slicked his cock with oil,, but he gave me no preparation, and the burn of his entry blew every pleasure fuse in my brain. I have no memory of what happened after that, other than a great deal of loud moaning as he pressed me down and very methodically destroyed me with measured, even strokes. My awareness telescoped down to the point where we joined. A bomb could have gone off in the room and I would have known nothing but my *azi* inside me, filling me, burning me, branding me as his own.   
When it was done, we lay side by side. Gradually I became aware that he was weeping in silence, not for grief but for love. I couldn't help but do the same. Some things are simply too beautiful to be borne by mortal beings. 

 

Vareth, Day 257- All this ran through my mind as I lay awake this morning, luxuriating in the feel of my bondmate's strong arms enveloping me. He was still asleep, and I let my senses sink into him, rocking gently to the beat of his heart, feeling the ache of bones and flesh still knitting from his grievous injuries. How he could ignore such pain and still pilot his ship through the Run or make love to me like a man possessed -- I couldn't begin to understand. Then he awakened, rising from dreaming to alert without moving or opening his eyes. I felt him tense with the pain, but instead of letting it go as anyone else might do, he *embraced* it, reveled in it, and somehow turned it into a rich, dark sort of pleasure that had both our cocks rising in response.   
That was a revelation, indeed.   
My lingering hesitation at the possibility of hurting him dissolved, and I was more than ready to give him what he'd asked for when he came to me last night. But I was in no mood for games, or roles, or experimentation. I just wanted to love him, to pour myself into him, to live inside him, if only for an instant, and lodge myself so deep that a part of me was left behind. Despite my growing awareness of my natural predilection for dominance, I had no interest in his submission. Instead, I wanted to serve. In my gratitude for his love, for his presence in my life, I wanted to be for him whatever he needed.   
I think he understood. For once, there were no words between us: no banter, no seduction. He kissed me, then rolled to his side, facing away, and moaned lustily as I prepared and took him. The ache of my entry poured over us like water almost too hot to touch, burning and comforting at once. By the time we finished and lay panting side by side in the wreck of our bunk, I was weeping, slow tears tracking down my cheeks into my ears in a most undignified manner. The only consolation for my lack of control was to know Grogan was in the same state. 

 

**Vienna Teng-Harbor**   
_Fear is the brightest of signs_   
_The shape of the boundary you leave behind_   
_So sing all your questions to sleep_   
_The answers are out there in the drowning deep_

_Sail your sea, meet your storm_   
_All I want is to be your harbor_   
_The light in me will guide you home_   
_All I want is to be your harbor_

Grogran, Day 263-The old Grogan would have just taken off and jumped right into the fray, but the new and improved Grogan has actually listened to the advice of someone else, someone younger and with far less experience in these matters, something I would have never done just a short time ago.   
Do you see what loving you has done to me, Vareth? I've become reasonable. Or at least more so than I ever imagined I could be. 

 

Vareth, Day 264-Grogan will die with his boots on; I wouldn't really have it any other way. All I can do is hope it's later rather than sooner.   
Still, *must* he thrust himself bodily into the middle of every conflict with such abandon? I suppose he must. He is, after all, Grogan Doyle. He's been doing this sort of thing since before I was born. To expect him to change would be foolish and unfair.

 

**Edwin McCain-I’ll Be**   
_And rain falls angry on the tin roof_   
_As we lie awake in my bed_   
_You're my survival, you're my living proof_   
_My love is alive and not dead_

_Tell me that we belong together_   
_Dress it up with the trappings of love_   
_I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips_   
_Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above_

Grogan, Day 271-He slid up beside me, and I turned to face him. He smiled his special Vareth smile, and my heart lurched with love and devotion. I kissed him, tasting myself, and held him close as I drifted off.   
I awoke this morning wrapped around my beloved and decided there was no better bed than one with him in it, even one made of bent and bruised saplings and sticky blankets. 

 

Vareth, Day 272-Anakin commented earlier that he has begun to think of Asylum as "home." I suppose that is a good thing. For me, home is firmly lodged next to Grogan's beating heart. I am lying against him now, whispering as he shifts and mumbles contentedly next to me in bed. His aura mingles with mine, bringing me such overflowing happiness that I find myself almost weeping. Whatever the future brings, I have this moment, now, and it is beautiful.

 

**Avril Lavigne-Keep Holding On**

  
_You're not alone_   
_Together we stand_   
_I'll be by your side_   
_You know I'll take your hand_

_When it gets cold_   
_And it feels like the end_   
_There's no place to go_   
_You know I won't give in_

 

Vareth, Day 286- My heart is breaking for Grogan, something it seems to do on a regular basis these days. I cannot imagine the pain of having to kill my own Master because she'd turned Dark. I don't know if I would be able to do it. 

 

Grogan, Day 288- Vareth, bless him, held out his arms without a word, and I staggered into his embrace. Somehow, despite my outweighing him by a good ten kilograms, his strength anchored me, encased and enfolded me without confining. I almost wept, but managed to keep my emotions in check. Sal has enough reason to think me hopelessly unbalanced without witnessing another emotional breakdown.

 

**Vance Joy-Mess is Mine**   
_You're the reason that I feel so strong_   
_The reason that I'm hanging on_   
_You know you gave me all the time_   
_Oh, did I give enough of mine?_

_Hold on, darling_   
_This body is yours, this body is yours and mine_   
_Well hold on, my darling_   
_This mess was yours, now your mess is mine_

Grogan, Day 291- "You know," he said, rising up again and straddling me until his face was tantalizingly close over mine, "I love you for doing this sort of thing, even while I hate you just a bit for leaving me yet again. But since I already know how stubborn you are ..." He lunged down and kissed me, tongue stroking mine in a way that took my breath away. He made it last just long enough to get every cell of my body flooded with lust, then pulled back. "I have no hope of stopping you, and I'm sure I should try. Help me not think about it, please?"   
"With pleasure, my *Azi*," I said. After that, my mouth was employed with more important tasks, and we didn't speak again.   
Hours later, I heard the chime for station's dawn and rose, leaving him half-asleep and so fucking beautiful I could barely tear myself away. 

 

Vareth, Day 293- I know Grogan said he was running silent, but the general tension around here has affected me enough that I am unable to completely put my concern for him aside. I'm grateful we were able to spend a few hours together, making love and reconnecting. I feel greedy wanting more. As a Jedi, I should be content with whatever time we can carve out of our duties to be together. But I am finding it is never enough.

 

**Death Cab for Cutie-Soul Meets Body**   
_I cannot guess what we'll discover_   
_When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels_   
_But I know our filthy hands can wash one another's_   
_And not one speck will remain_

_I do believe it's true_   
_That there are roads left in both of our shoes_   
_But if the silence takes you, then I hope it takes me too_   
_So brown eyes I'll hold you near_   
_'Cause you're the only song I want to hear_   
_A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere_

 

Grogan, Day 318- But at any rate, returning to sleep was an impossibility. My *Azi* slumbers deeply beside me as I write, so beautiful, even with lips swollen and bruised, my finger marks on his ribs, the burn of my stubble pinking his neck.   
I don't want to think. Ever again. I just want to lie down beside my bonded mate and luxuriate in his purity and fire, his strength and tenderness. They tell me you know you've found your true love when you cannot imagine your life without your beloved.   
Code be damned, I want this. I crave this. If Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan can marry, why should we not do the same? Perhaps this is an unconventional way to propose, via journal entry, but I cannot contain myself now I've made up my mind. 

 

Vareth, Day 338- I wonder at times what it will be like to be officially bonded. I imagine things will go on as before, but he's talking about celebrating after the ceremony with a tenday spent doing nothing but staring at each other over caf on some backwater with no technology, only grainfields and vast blue skies. The idea makes me shudder ...

 

**Snow Patrol-Run**   
_To think I might not see those eyes_   
_Makes it so hard not to cry_   
_And as we say our long goodbye_   
_I nearly do_

_Light up, light up, as if you have a choice_   
_Even if you cannot hear my voice_   
_I'll be right beside you dear_   
_Louder louder, and we'll run for our lives_   
_I can hardly speak I understand_   
_Why you can't raise your voice to say_

 

Grogan, Day 362- I brought up the escape pod controls and held my finger over the pod eject button. A jump to Coruscant had already been calculated. There was no sense in prolonging the horror. "I love you, my *Azi*. May the Force be with you."   
I pressed the button, felt the jolt as the pod ejected. I heard him say, "I love --" and then the transmission was cut off when I hit the throttle for the hyperdrive.   
I wanted to stop, to go back, to see if he had somehow managed the impossible. But I didn't trust the hyperdrive to make more than one jump without failing. And many on board needed urgent medical attention.   
I reached out with the Force, trying to find a trace of him, but I felt nothing. We don't have a true lifebond, but wouldn't I have felt it if he died? 

 

Vareth, Day 362- The Force is truly with me. I must have more work to do before I join the All, because with the random spinning of the *Padawan's Plaything,* the odds that I would have been ejected *away* from all the various event horizons nearby are, forgive the pun, astronomical.   
I truly hope you one day get to read that and wince, my love. Assuming we both survive this little adventure. 

 

**[Christina Aguilera-We’re a Miracle](http://www.jimandellen.org/izzy/18We'reAMiracle.m4a) **   
_Here we are, safe at last_   
_We can breath a sigh, seems the storm has passed_   
_Through it all, no one knew,_   
_That all the tears in heaven, would bring me back to you_   
_No one I know, imagined we would make it_   
_But it only matters that we both believe_

_You and me, we're a miracle; meant to be_   
_And nothing can change it_   
_Mountains move and oceans part_   
_When they are standing in our way_

 

Grogran, Day 364-I'm actually grateful to have a choice at all. To have still the possibility of once again seeing Vareth. Of getting him to the Temple gardens and kneeling beside him in a proper bonding rite.   
Just an hour ago, I'd despaired of even knowing what had become of him. 

 

Vareth, Day 364-Another figure knelt next to me and cradled my head. It was Grogan.   
"*Azi,*" I croaked.   
"Stop scaring me, you inconsiderate cretin," he said softly. "We've got a bonding ceremony to plan."   
I chuckled weakly. "Only if we get out of here. We don't have much time."   
"Story of our lives, isn't it?" He helped me to my feet, then picked me up in his arms when it became obvious I couldn't stand on my own. 

 

**Goo Goo Dolls-Stay With You**   
_Now wake up this world_   
_Wake up tonight_   
_And run to me, run to me now_

_And I'll stay with you_   
_The walls will fall before we do_   
_So take my hand now, we'll run forever_   
_I can feel the storm inside you_   
_I'll stay with you_

 

Vareth, Day 368- I am not an expert in my homeworld's ancient tongue, but the words emblazoned over Grogan's heart in intricate knots of purple strands were visible in more than just the normal spectrum. They glowed in the Force as well, and they spelled something roughly akin to "The Noble One."   
The knotted art radiated out, incorporating scenes from our history together, going back in time to events I didn't recognize from before I'd met him. There was nothing concrete, yet I somehow knew exactly what each design meant. I circled him, finding more designs on his back in green, blue, gold, and black -- Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, Anakin and I -- twisted into the tapestry of ink. 

 

Grogan, Day 368- The sun is once again rounding the horizon of Coruscant. It's a new day, a new year, a new life.   
I've no doubt our duties will part us at times, and we will be in constant danger. I wouldn't have it any other way. But something fundamental has changed for me. Where before I viewed the future with indifference, now I am eager to see what this life has in store for me, with my beloved Vareth by my side.   
Let the adventure begin. 

 

**Bonus: The Story of Tonight-Hamilton**

  
_Raise a glass to freedom_   
_Something they can never take away_   
_No matter what they tell you_   
_Raise a glass to the four of us_   
_Tomorrow there'll be more of us_   
_Telling the story of tonight_   
_They'll tell the story of tonight_

Archivist’s Note-The events chronicled in this account are but a small part of the larger history  of the Jedi notables Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Grogan Doyle, Vareth Ridell, and Anakin Skywalker.   
This writer is currently working on a translation of their further adventures, should the Force enable him to survive long enough to catalog everything in the many volumes left to us by posterity.   
It is to be hoped that much instruction and inspiration can be gleaned by a study of the histories of our revered ancestors, who, despite their many flaws and struggles, served the Force with heartfelt zeal. 

 

[Listen to on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/msisobel/playlist/3futd3jdgvPaeAecjo2zJF)

[Download Zip](http://www.filedropper.com/grogandoylevarethriddellvolume2nowyourmessismine)

 

(“Halo,” “I Know Places,” “Before the Dawn,” and “We’re a Miracle” not available on Spotify, so are uploaded individually; other individual uploads available upon request)

 


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